| Down and Out |
[Mar. 29th, 2008|10:19 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Home | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  depressed | ] |
So i totally feel beaten down be life right now... No matter what I do to stay positive, something comes along to hit me right back into place... my car is dead... AGAIN... I have no money to fix it, I have to possibly move AGAIN in like a month, I just found out that I have to start paying back my student loan if I am not in school.. which I am not right now... I dont have health insurance either because I am not in school, and my tooth just keeps breaking off more and more.
When does the bullshit stop? I get a few things figured out and then the rest comes falling down. I finally get to a get place with Ryan and I
and then something else in life comes after me... then I am all mopey and it brings him down as well... I dont wanna do that! He has been so great to me in this past month and a half, he has been making such an effort to be my boyfriend again! I love that man!
At the same time I have so much other shit to worry about, for the first time in my life I had a family member (directly related) pass away, my grandfather John Bennett Firth passed away about 3 weeks ago. and I dont think I ever fully grasped the fact that next time I go home, he wont be there! i have never had to deal with these feelings and I dont think I did it very well, I think I just pushed them to the back of my mind and forgot about them.
I am not sure how to deal with the amount of stress that I am under right now, it is very hard for me to sort out my thoughts and put them into a logical order, because EVERYTHING becomes a problem to me... even during inventory at work today, I found myself crying at random intervals! I want to climb into a whole until everything goes away!! But that unfortunately is not an option!
I dont want to move, I love where I live, so much... I love my neighbors, love the location, walking distance to work, and close enough to food!! But i may have to give it all up because I can't afford to stay! DAMMIT... why does everything come down at once?? can't it just take turns on when it is going to attack me??? :-(
I need an escape, a hug, a change of lifestyle... something that will bring me out of this depression hole I feel myself slipping into!! :*-( |
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| Crushing my heart! |
[Jan. 23rd, 2008|12:39 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | depressed | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | When love and Death Embrace- HIM | ] |
I'm in love with you
And it's crushing my heart
All I want is you
To take me into your arms
When love and death embrace
I love you
And you're crushing my heart
I need you
Please take me into your arms
When love and death embrace
When love and death embrace
When love and death embrace
When love and death embrace
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I have fought so long and so hard for a love that I am afraid I may never fully posses... I know in my heart it is worth every tear, every drop of blood spilled on the floor... but does he know??? I hope he knows.... God I love him! |
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| I need help.... |
[Jan. 18th, 2008|10:36 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Home | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  distressed | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Everything is beautiful- Ferry Corsten | ] |
I have never been this anxious before in my life.... I can't eat... can't sleep... can't focus... my mind is racing more then a mile a minute and I have no idea what to do about it... I am depressed all the time and I feel so alone.
I recently realized that I have little to now friends... I only have friends when it is convenient for them... when I need someone to talk to or cry on... there is no one there... but when they need someone, I always seem to be there for them. My friends jerk me around and I sit there and take it. I feel empty and numb on the inside, like the idea of me is fading away slowly... I don't feel anything but sick and anxious. I have been grinding my teeth so much that my jaw is locking on me. I am shaking and feel like crying. What good would crying do anyway??? there is no one here at my house to be my shoulder, there is no one out there who wants to be my shoulder... I don't know how to handle this feeling anymore... I want to disappear, hide away... but where would I go?? I have no where to be, nowhere is a safe house for me.. I could go to the beach, but then I am alone and I have too much time to think and cry...
Even right now I want to vomit on my keyboard... I am surprised that I can even type as clearly as I am right now...
I have so many thoughts running through my head, and little to no way to express them... i could type for days and still feel like I haven't said anything.
I don't even know if anyone hears me... do you hear me? I feel like I need to check myself into a mental hospital and let everything slowly fade away... but will that help? will anything help?
I feel like I am being strung along by someone who I love dearly...sometimes they are up, but most the time they are down... I seem to be blamed for everything that goes wrong... and if I am not being blamed in that instance... it gets taken out on me... why? All i do is love this person and be there for them, and I get treated like garbage! Do I deserve this?? Have I been this bad in my life that karma sees fit to break my heart into a million pieces and spit on it?
I have a broken heart that wants so much to love and be loved... so my heart is wide open and I am bleeding out... someone save me!! |
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| Well great... |
[Aug. 9th, 2007|12:29 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Santa Cruz | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | melancholy | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | When Your Minds Made Up- Glen Hansard (Once soundtrack) | ] |
You know, I like to think that I have a really good grip on reality, but then something comes along and rocks my world.... it starts spinning round and round... please stop the world I want to get off.... I cannot seem to keep anything functioning correctly in my life anymore... I am totally unmotivated to do anything, I am totally over this whole monterey bullshit... I miss L.A. but I konw if I move back i will hate it... I will be leaving behind all the friends I have made in the last 5 years I have been up here, and I am not sure that I am ready to make that jump....
I am not really sure what this entry is about... so if anyone sitll reads this I am incredibly sorry... I guess it only makes sense to me, but I am trying to say that as soon as I get things where I want them to be, my insecurities and faults as a human being get in the way and ruin it all... damn me...... when will I ever learn??? |
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| Been a long time!! |
[May. 2nd, 2007|07:22 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  thoughtful | ] |
It has been more then a long time since I wrote in here, but I was talking to Ian about keeping a journal and I remembered that I had this thing, so voila... here I am writing!!
Life is nothing like it used to be... I have new friends, live in a new place, new boyfriend and a new lease on life... but with all that comes, new pain, new frustrations, new problems... but hey, we have to get the bad with the good! The problem there is being able to see more of the good then the bad!
I have been very fortunate to make and keep some of the friends that I have… I still have my Sara-B, which is like the best news ever because for a while there I was not sure if our friendship could last, but now I don’t have a doubt in my mind… We are currently celebrating 10 years together in this relationship…shit!! Where the hell did the time go? I say that so much, but really… where?? But I am really lucky to have Sara in my life, she has been there for me through everything and I cannot thank you more Sara!! But here is the sad part…. Sara graduates this semester and is moving at the end of summer… for the first time in 10 years she will not be right there (physically) when I need her… but I am not holding that against you Sara, or trying to make you feel bad… it’s just something that I must come to terms with because I have never thought about it… now I am scared!!
I am dating this awesome guy named Ben, I met him at work and things with us have pretty much been simple and really easy… he is not this jealous boyfriend who calls me every five minutes when I am hanging out with one of my guy friends, we really don’t fight, and we have a lot in common. But what is great about Ben is that even though we have lots of different opinions, we still get along so well, our differences make for great conversations!!
I have also made a lot of new friends through work and school. One of my newer friends is Ryan, but I call him my Poofy (it is a long story!!) He is a totally awesome guy and I really love working with him, he is totally in love with his girlfriend and let’s us all know about it…I think it is awesome that he is happy!! Then there is Ian… he is one of those people who tries to make you believe he is someone else other then who he really is… does that make sense? Well I saw through his little game and now he is becoming one of my really great friends… he is really easy to talk to, has a great sense of humor and a great smile!!
I seem to lose my grip on time, I get so caught up in what is going on, or what will take place next, I sometimes forget to live for the here and now!! But even when I find myself living for the here and now… I lose track of then! I cannot remember a lot of details that I swore to myself I would never forget!! I have forgotten how certain people in my life smelled at one point, what they sounded like, what they meant to me… I have lost touch with a lot of my friends from high school, but my mom warned me it would happen… I do what I can to change it, but I guess since we are all in so many different places it is hard to go back to what we once had in ’03…
This school semester is almost over… I don’t even remember it beginning!! So much has happened in these last few months, I think I almost forgot about school… I got a promotion at work… I am now Café Supervisor… GO ME!!! That’s what I thought, but with this stupid position comes a whole lot more shit to deal with…and more people to deal with… it is hard for me to put on a plastic smile and hold my tongue every time I see my district manager… oh man… and then there is dealing with the group dynamics of the people I am “in charge” of… I don’t like to think I am above them, they make me the supervisor, if they don’t support me, like other supervisors have found out, the café falls!!! But hopefully I won’t fuck this job up too bad!!
I am just so overwhelmed with everything happening in my life right now, I just want to go to sleep for a while… can someone plug me into the matrix so I can have really nice dreams?? I miss really nice dreams, for the past few months most of my dreams have consisted of nightmares… I wake up in a cold sweat with tears in my eyes… my daydreams are my only nice dreams… I am not sure why this is… but I want it to stop!
I missed my brothers 18th birthday… I feel like shit… they are now legal adults and I couldn’t be there to party with them… I have missed so much of their lives I am surprised they even consider me their sister anymore… I miss my family! My sister and I never really talk, and sometimes I don’t know why… I never speak to my father, it seems that I only really speak with my mother… I don’t understand it anymore!! I cannot seem to keep in contact with the people that mean the most to me!! I am sorry!!
I end this with a simple question… what now???
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| Soundtrack to my life |
[Sep. 28th, 2006|05:34 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | In my room | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | sick | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Mellow and Depressing | ] |
IF A MOVIE WAS MADE OF YOUR LIFE, WHAT WOULD THE SOUNDTRACK BE?
- - - - - - - Your Life: The Soundtrack - - - - - - - -
So, here's how it works:
Open your music player (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, etc).
Put it on shuffle.
Press play.
For every question type the song that's playing.
When you go to a new question press the next button.
Some songs fit perfectly.
Opening Credits: Sulk- Radiohead
Waking Up: Fiction- Orgy
Falling in Love: Tear You Apart- She watns Revenge
Fight scene: Subspace- Funker Voght
Breaking up: When You say Nothing at all- Ronan Keating
Getting back together: The Sacrament- H.I.M
Secret Love: Wild Child- Enya
Life's okay: Whisky In The Jar- Metallica
Mental breakdown: Breaking the Habit- Linkin Park
Partying: I want You- Offspring
Long night alone: Come What May (instrumental-Moulin Rouge soundtrack)
Final Battle: Adrenaline- Gavin Rossdale
Death Scene: Going Under- Evanescence
Credits: Faith- Limp Bizkit
P.S. Kinda scary.. it almost fits perfectly!! WOW!! |
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| Life |
[Jul. 27th, 2006|09:09 pm] |
i dont know if anyone reads this anymore.. it has been forever since I wrote in it.... Life has changed so much in these last months.... people I love and hold dear to me have changed ... a lot... and I am not sure if I like who they have become.. but still I stand by them because I understand that people must go through changes... but no one understands that I have to go through changes as well......
but I am just in the mood to vent... it is hard for me to interact with people lately because all I am hearing from them is that I dont know who I am, I take on the people I date... I didnt know that.... i dont know a lot of things apparently.... so many things have changed and they are going to keep changing.... what do i do?? Who can I talk to? I have lost touch with almost all my friends.... am I doing it? is it their fault? is it just both of us??? I dont know what to do about all my friends.. I dont know where I belong right now... I hate monterey, but the only people that i love and care about (besides my family) are here...
Money fucking sucks.... enough said about that.... oh and so does my job... totally under paid and over worked....
just spent a week in L.A. with Ben... it went really really well... we had a lot of fun and did a lot of stuff... i will write more about that later...
I just wanna figure all this shit out and be at peace for once.... but I dont even know how to begin talking to my friends anymore... |
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| This Song |
[Oct. 19th, 2005|12:48 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | pensive | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Nickelback~Photograph | ] |
this song by Nickelback is just so amazing! I really enjoy the sound of the song as well as the lyrics. The lyrics really grab my heart strings because I am a person that takes a ton of pictures to remember one moment in time! So I hope you all take the time to appreciate the lyrics and maybe even the song as much as I have!!! it really makes me think about my own life and the photos I have taken!
Photograph~ Nickelback
Look at this photograph
Everytime I do it makes me laugh
How did our eyes get so red
And what the hell is on Joey's head
And this is where I grew up
I think the present owner fixed it up
I never knew we'd ever went without
The second floor is hard for sneaking out
And this is where I went to school
Most of the time had better things to do
Criminal record says I broke in twice
I must have done it half a dozen times
I wonder if It's too late
Should i go back and try to graduate
Life's better now then it was back then
If I was them I wouldn't let me in
Oh oh oh
Oh god I
Every memory of looking out the back door
I had the photo album spread out on my bedroom floor
It's hard to say it, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye
Every memory of walking out the front door
I found the photo of the friend that I was looking for
It's hard to say it, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye
Remember the old arcade
Blew every dollar that we ever made
The cops hated us hangin' out
They say somebody went and burned it down
We used to listen to the radio
And sing along with every song we know
We said someday we'd find out how if feels
To sing to more than just the steering wheel
Kim's the first girl I kissed
I was so nervous that I nearly missed
She's had a couple of kids since then
I haven't seen her since god knows when
Oh oh oh
Oh god I
Every memory of looking out the back door
I had the photo album spread out on my bedroom floor
It's hard to say it, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye
Every memory of walking out the front door
I found the photo of the friend that I was looking for
It's hard to say it, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye
I miss that town
I miss the faces
You can't erase
You can't replace it
I miss it now
I can't believe it
So hard to stay
Too hard to leave it
If I could I relive those days
I know the one thing that would never change
Every memory of looking out the back door
I had the photo album spread out on my bedroom floor
It's hard to say it, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye
Every memory of walking out the front door
I found the photo of the friend that I was looking for
It's hard to say it, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye
Look at this photograph
Everytime I do it makes me laugh
Everytime I do it makes me |
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| I just dont care anymore! |
[Oct. 10th, 2005|10:00 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | sad | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Fade To Black- Meatllica | ] |
Something is happening inside of me... for some reason, I just dont care anymore! But i do still hold onto care for certain things, like my wonderful boyfriend, who has done nothing but love and take care of me... I care about him.... my friends that I live with, they are soo much fun to be with and they ALWAYS make me smile.... I care about Travis, and I care about Tyler, and Nate, and Kevin, and my family... but other then that... I just dont give a shit! I dont give a shit about the fact that I havent spoken to my "best friend" in almost a month and then find out that she went over her cell phone bill talking to some guy.... well that friendship is....fading! And I just dont give a shit... I dont feel like I have lost any part of my life because it has been this way for months now! So oh well!
School is fucking stupid... really dont give a shit about it... hate my classes, they dont challenge me, or really spark an interest in my mind.... I have no idea what I want to do with my life, I cant even pick a major! and i have to know by the end of this year! So this is hard!
I have pretty much given up on the idea of ever owning a car... and I dont give a shit anymore... my job well... its my job, i dont feel like anyone in the cafe gets the kind of recognition we deserve..... especially from our supervisor and that pisses me off... I work my fucking ass off.. and NOTHING!! A few of the other supervisors see how hard some of us work and say things (Grievous).... but other then that... nothing!
I am just going through a lot right now, and my mother told me that i need professional help... thanks!!! I dont know why all of the sudden I stopped caring about so much, something just snapped inside of me and now I need to find some way to fix it before it is to late! My mother is talking about me needed to transfer back down to a school in L.A. so I can go back home!!! That would be an ok Idea if I didnt have the love of my life up here... along with my job and my friends in that job!! I couldnt just leave it all behind......
So I have to figure something out before it is too late!!! |
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